The only happiness Donald Trump has ever brought to America was in 2011 when Mac Miller released the fire hit that tricked the nation into believing he was an actual rapper. There, it’s been said. Moving on.
After night 4 of the Republican Convention, held in Cleveland, Ohio (oh…kay…?), Donald Trump accepted his official candidacy as the Republican nominee for president of the United States, and an ungodly amount of balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling. As cameras zoomed out to capture the reaction of the audience, daughter Ivanka leaned in to Mr. Trump’s ear to deliver an urgent message. “Dad, 1984 called. They want their prom scene back from every teen movie ever.” As the nation tuned in Thursday night to watch this (unbelievable) moment in history, a realization swept over each and every one of us- we know him. We’ve always known Mr. Trump and the reasoning is all too real. Donald Trump is our hot mess of an ex-boyfriend. Son of a -!
Speaking aggressively and depicting America as humiliating and shameful, Mr. Trump “offered himself as an all-powerful savior who could resurrect the country’s standing in the eyes of both enemies and law-abiding Americans” (New York Times). I can only imagine the conversation Trump has in the privacy of his room in his Fruit of the Looms with our #1 babe, Old Glory. “I’m the best you’re ever going to get. You really think anyone is going to want you after me?! Without me, you’re nothing. I’m the only one that’s going to make America great again! Me!” Does this speech sound all too familiar? Maybe a spiel you heard your loser boyfriend shout as you were grabbing your spare charger and hairspray from his apartment as you bounced last May? America, girl, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You are beautiful and strong. Know your worth, girl.
Whether we admitted it to our bf or not, we couldn’t stand his f— boy bro. He was constantly hooking up with randoms, rude and disrespectful and partying non-stop. Ex even sided with you when you rolled your eyes over his shenanigans.
“Babe, I know! I totally get it! Like, how can you disrespect women like that, ya know? I would never do that to you. Oh, my God, babe, no! I do not condone his actions! Like, Dude, quit being so skeezy. I try to tell him all the time.” So, when you found out that “boys night out” meant slamming a bottle of Patron and trying to pick up girls at the local dive every Thursday night, you kicked Ex to the curb with a quickness. This same “WTF” feeling resurfaced within my mind as I read the news back in May that Donald Trump had hired New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to lead his White House Transition Team. Name sound familiar? That’s because Chris Christie is the same man Trump accused of a Federal crime and had beef with, as Christie himself was a former GOP presidential candidate. Quite like Ex, Trump dissed on Christie in the public’s eye, but now, miraculously, they’re tight! He even trusts him enough with a position responsible for selecting White House aides, Cabinet members and other top officials. Mhmm, we’re onto your games.
I spent my entire last relationship with Ex trying to get inside of his head and learn his emotions and how he felt about things. Our arguments never brought about a solution because he never expressed his true feelings on our problems. “Please tell me how you feel. Stop building up a wall and shutting me out.” I’m 93% sure Melania has had this talk numerous of times with her husband, as we all have.
“Mel, I’m tired of hearing about how I didn’t take you to Rio Grande for our Anniversary! You think I’m emotionally unavailable and putting up a wall?! You know what!? I am! Now, I’m going to put up a wall around our borders and there will be no quesadillas for anyone, ever!” What a true f— boy move, Donny.