A happy couple in love with painted smiley and hugging

Has your wedding turned into a circus that can no longer be tamed? Too many guests that your parents invited and you just want to scoop your eyes out with a pitch fork? Have you had enough allergen requests that the only thing available is a grassy patch next to the venue?

I have your solution, ladies and gentlemen! Let them all come! Come one, come all! Trick them into thinking you actually give a flying fart. Below are some unconventional places to say your I Dos while also silently torturing your lovely family and friends.

Want to be twice as daring? Take a gander at some suggestions I’ve provided for you. WARNING: I am not liable for any injuries or upsets that may occur during this process.

A Sewage Plant

Nothing says love like a strong wiff of fecal matter, am I right? Strap on those galoshes, and get ready for a wet and wild ride. Take a tour through the plant, make them watch the literal poop chute fly and treat them with baggies of fudge to take home!

A Local Dairy Queen

Nothing says love quite like the cashier yelling, “Next, please!” You are really giving the guests a treat. Who doesn’t love DQ ice cream? The key is not to tell DQ you are coming and cram 245 guests in their lobby. Want to really drive your guests wild? Only offer baked beans as an appetizer and watch the horrid faces as sneaky toots slowly seep out of their bum holes.

Your Grandma’s Basement 

Nothing like your Great Grandma’s ashes and a broken rocking horse laying on its side to bring people together, huh? If you want to make the wedding really interesting, don’t bring in any extra seating. Just use the odds and ends pieces of furniture already down there to make the guests feel really at home. Also, do not attempt to bring in any extra lighting. Just throw some flashlights down!

The Dentist’s Office

Nothing says “Come watch me get married!” quite like the sounds of a drill and spit being sloshed everywhere. Not only will your dentist be surprised when he is not only invited to the wedding, but when he also finds out he’s your officiant. Your guests will get a kick out of trying to control the kids while they try to poke each other in the eye. And Uncle Jim will surely be surprised when he realizes that wasn’t Aunt Sally poking his pants.

These options will probably get you disowned from the family and cost you a pretty penny if you get in trouble with the law.

So, obviously, do it.

Actually, on second thought, maybe don’t do this. These guests are probably bringing money and gifts with them. And if they come to the wedding they are most than likely to come bearing gifts at the baby shower.

Also, these are your loving family and friends are willing to go to your grandma’s basement and just to see your love bloom? Alright, don’t be jerks guys. Don’t follow my instructions. I’m a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.

Be bold. Be brave. Be different, but with your guests in mind. Most of them love and are willing to endure any conditions to be there on your special day. The other half is probably just coming for free food and booze.

Brooklynn Kerns is both an aspiring writer who’s chunky yet funky and a fine collector of celebrity autobiographies & books she’ll probably never read.

A proud BGSU student studying creative writing and film production, she also has a beagle/wiener dog mix named Ferris who is the love of her life except when he poops in the house – then he becomes her mortal enemy. Out of all of her accomplishments, she’s probably most proud of the fact that she did her dishes twice in one week. Yeah, you read that right. Two times. One week.

Comments

comments