A local man sporting a handlebar mustache and tie-in man bun is having a hard time coping with reality after a new deal was announced this morning featuring the acquisition of Whole Foods from retail giant Amazon.com. Wiping the tears from his well-oiled, patchy beard, he could be heard muttering words like “Monsanto” and “GMOs” from afar.
“You just can’t trust these people, man. If a bag of cashews doesn’t come from a Whole Foods dispenser, it’s clearly tainted and made to kill us.”
Much to the delight of smaller, more exclusive health food stores, it would seem that droves of frequent Whole Food customers are abandoning ship, meaning that they’ll be able to charge even more for coffee and bananas that were most likely still picked by the hands of small children in foreign countries.