After years of growing concern over the state of Cincinnati’s most precarious bridge, it seems that a plan has finally been laid out. A far cry from Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin’s suggestion of “slapping on some play-doh, covering it with a fresh coat of paint, and sending virtual prayers,” it seems that we now have the bold vision that we’ve been missing.
“Look, I know my opponents, those losers, are going to have a lot of negative things to say about my huge plans for your bridge. I know how much this region loves me, more so than the rest of the country, so I’m going to be here for you.”
Expressing a little distaste for Cincinnati’s recent declaration of labeling itself as a sanctuary city, he confessed that he hadn’t “seen a good taco bowl anywhere” and that he would look past it for that reason. Soon after this comment, he beckoned Sean Spicer, who was wearing a rainbow spinner hat, over to deliver his master plans for the bridge. With the look of a proud father showing off his child’s accomplishments, something he’d never seen growing up, he opened up the plans and displayed them to the crowd.
“So, here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to give you a new bridge and use your old bridge for something even better.”
Calling it a “great deal,” Trump laid out his plans to first stabilize the bridge with a state-of-the-art, glowing TRUMP sign made of steel; contracted by a Russian company. He then moved on to the next phase of the project, which involved building the new bridge; funded by a five-cent toll, which would go toward funding the border wall. Finally, citing budget concerns, he then showed the awestruck, god-fearing crowd a final rendering of the proposed border wall, complete with materials from the demolished old bridge.
One member of the crowd was heard saying “God Bless You, Mr. Trump,” while others wore doe-eyed expressions on their jubilant faces. One member of the crowd could even be seen silently whispering “that’s my president;” cheek aglow with a single tear.